sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
