I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
