I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
