So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
