Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
