you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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