I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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