I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
