i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
