i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
