3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just cut my nipple shaving
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
It's shark week go big or go home
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
