see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It was a blind-side dick pic.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
