It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
