my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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