how do flat chested girls get laid?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
