he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
