Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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