I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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