I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
