We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
