I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
