I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
