What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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