with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
