We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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