I wish my penis had an off switch
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
