idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
