plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
