When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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