Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She needs sedatives and a leash
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
