Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
