I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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