You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
