I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
