is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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