I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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