if i can run in heels then i can drive
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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