I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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