no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
