it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
