tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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