Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Randomize
