Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
