I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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