I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
