My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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