sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Randomize
