Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
