My friends, they love my intelligence
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
