Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
